You're Never Really Okay
by dreams and fantasies
Summary: Will believes he's handling Charlie's death pretty well, until Mac has to help him realize that setbacks are normal. Written for the secret santa exchange on Tumblr


He thought he'd dealt with it. He really did. After he got out of prison and Mackenzie told him that Charlie died, they went home and Will cried his eyes out in their bed. He didn't pretend to be strong – no, Charlie deserved better than his lies. So he let his emotions show, and he let Mac hold him through the night.

Will remained somber over the next several days before the funeral, and cried more than once more. Every once in a while he would just start telling some random story about Charlie; god knows how it popped into his head, but talking seemed to help, and Mac proved to be a good listener. It was one of the only things that made Will feel better – that, and rubbing Mac's stomach.

He talked to the baby, too, telling them all about their Grandpa Charlie, and how much he would have spoiled them. Will could just picture it – Charlie turning into a complete softy around the child, and reminding Will how he told him that fatherhood lived up to the hype.

He even returned to therapy, spilling all his fears about dying too soon, about turning into his father, or just being a bad dad in general. His therapist urged him to talk about these insecurities with Mac as well, and he tried, but sometimes it's nice to just rant to a stranger. That's why he pays him the big bucks, after all.

The therapist also served as another person to be accountable to about his smoking. Will hadn't smoked a cigarette since the funeral, and has used every gum, patch, and relaxation technique out there to ensure he never does again. The whole staff at ACN has been supportive, and Kendra slaps him whenever he even _thinks_ about smoking.

So, overall, Will thought he had been handling Charlie's death pretty well – as well as anyone can handle these things, anyway. However, Will aims for perfection in every way (he spent two hours making a drink the internet said was good for pregnant women). So, he figured grief was a straight progression. You get less and less sad every day, and eventually you are completely fine.

He held firmly to this belief, until the day their baby was born. Mac, of course, went into labor in the middle of Will's broadcast. He nearly ran out of the studio during a debate about the deficit, and they were forced to resort to patching the doctor into his earpiece during commercial break to persuade him to finish the show.

He arrived to the hospital with plenty of time, as everyone had said he would. He held Mac's hand through the worst of her contractions, and let her slap him whenever he wondered aloud if his hand was breaking. There was nothing else on Will's mind except for his amazing wife and the beautiful baby they were about to have.

And eventually, she made her entrance. Yes, _she_, despite the fact that ultrasounds (and nearly anyone that attempted to guess) told them it would be a boy. Of course, none of that mattered. The minute Will laid eyes on his baby girl, she owned him, just like her mother. From that moment on, it felt right – he couldn't picture their family any other way. Will was happy – immensely so, more than he had been in a very long time. Even his wedding was shadowed by his imminent prison sentence. Now, nothing could bring him down – or so he thought.

A few nights after they brought Charlotte home, Mac awoke, as she found herself doing every couple of hours since the baby was born. Even when she wasn't crying, Mac's body seemed to be unable to rest, always needing to check if her precious daughter was all right. This time, however, she woke up without being wrapped up in Will's arms, which made her immediately suspicious. Suddenly, she became aware of heavy sobs and bolted up in bed. These weren't the soft cries of an infant – this was coming from her husband.

Sure enough, Mac's eyes landed on Will, who was crouched next to Charlotte's bassinette, and shaking with sobs. She got out of bed and gently padded over to him, wrapping him in the tightest hug she could manage. "It's all right, Billy, it's all right," she said soothingly.

For several moments Will couldn't speak, and just let himself be held. Eventually, he took a few shuddering breaths and tried to compose himself. "I…I thought I was handling it," he finally said.

"Handling what?" Mackenzie asked, although she was pretty sure she knew the answer.

"Charlie," Will replied. "I thought that I had made peace with his death, I thought I was okay now. But I was just looking at Charlotte and thinking how she'll never know her namesake. She'll never know this great, big, perfect man who she practically owes her existence to, given how he set us up again. He's not here, and he should be, and it's just not…." He couldn't go on.

"Shhh, Billy, it's okay. You're never fully recovered after these things happen. There's no one day where you're all the way better. You have bad days – or nights – and that's all right. And when they happen, I'll be here for you."

Will looked at Mackenzie, at this beautiful woman who is somehow his wife, and smiled sadly. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve you."

"Beats me," Mac replied, "I'm way out of your league, you know."

"Believe me, I never forget it," Will said, and leaned in to capture Mac's lips with his own. They kissed sweetly for a minute or two before pulling apart and standing to look at their daughter.

"She's gonna be brilliant," Mackenzie said, "And she'll know Charlie. We'll talk about him so much she'll get sick of it." She rubbed Will's arm and kissed Charlotte gently on the forehead before tugging her husband back to bed. The couple slipped under the sheets and curled up in each other's arms, relishing the silence that is quite infrequent with a newborn around.

That wasn't the last time Will cried during the night, and it happened to Mac once or twice too. Each time it happened they would wake the other one up, and comfort each other until sleep came. They knew they would always be all right, the three of them, because Charlie gave them the gift of each other, and that is a gift that never dies.


End file.
